It's a . . .

Well . . . what do you think?

Imagine you're looking up at the baby sitting on a glass table.

Yep, it's a boy. Head on the left, arm above, torso on the right. The ultrasound tech asked me if I wanted him to tell me the gender right away, or if I wanted to wait for Ben to come into the room. I decided to wait for Ben. Immediately after putting the probe on my belly though, the tech announced he knew the sex. Literally, he plopped the thing on my stomach, and didn't even have to move it around at all. I should have been tipped off that it was a boy at that point, since it was so obvious, so quickly.

Profile with a hand near his mouth.

I got the email today saying that the ultrasound looked good, and is consistent with my due date. We are excited to welcome this healthy little guy into our family.

I must say though, that I was shocked at the result. I felt very strongly that this was a girl and all the kids thought it was a girl too (even though the boys didn't want a girl). Ben didn't say so until yesterday, but he apparently thought it was a boy all along.

If you know me well, you know I crave symmetry. When my mom was teaching me floral design as a kid, I couldn't stand flower arrangements that were off centered, or asymmetrical in any way. It's true with my babies too. I knew that when we had number 5 we'd have number 6 because we had to have an even number of children. I just like everything even, so maybe I was really hoping for a girl to balance things out. Now don't get me wrong, I adore my boys, and am beyond thrilled to have another baby, especially knowing that his little spirit is meant for our family, at this time. But I must admit I was a smidge disappointed it wasn't a girl.

I was holding my emotions together well, digesting the surprising news when we went in to tell the kids. Ben announced it was a boy, the boys cheered, Meilani gave an "awe," and poor Sariah burst into tears and sank to the floor. Ben reassured her she'd still get a bunk bed and she pulled it together for a second wiping her cheeks, but seeing her cry sent me over the edge. I started crying and told her it was okay to cry, and so we snuggled and cried a bit together. I asked her if she thought she could love a boy. She said "yes, but I really wanted it to be a girl." We had a sweet little moment together, Sariah and I. I think we each gave one another permission to be just a little sad, not because we don't already love this little boy growing inside me, but because sometimes, our plans are not the Lord's plans. And yet, His plans are always better.

When I was young I didn't want to get married, or have children. I wanted to be a lawyer with good hair. I still strive for the good hair part, but am so thankful that I've been flexible in my plans, so that the Lord could gradually revel His plan to me. I know that it's within our families that we feel the greatest joy in this life. I surely didn't plan to be a wife, or mother of six kids, or to have four boys and two girls, but this life brings me happiness and fulfillment that the lawyer with good hair version of me would have never known.

When talking to my mother-in-law about the news, she said that this little baby is saying "Don't be disappointed mommy. I want to come to this family. I already love you." And how can you argue with that? So welcome little boy. We love you and can't wait to meet you!

Note: Maybe it's wrong to share such raw feelings on a blog, but this is our family record, and I do want to be honest in the accounting of our experiences so that as we look back through the years we can see our growth and remember the moments we share together.