Monday, February 22, 2010

Quickly I'll Obey

About a month ago our family instituted the "Quickly I'll Obey" jar. In a nutshell, the kids got to put a fuzzy ball into a jar when Mom or Dad caught them obeying, or following directions the first time we asked. I was skeptical, but the jar worked like a charm, and we've had a rather obedient household as of late . . . well as much as could be expected. The reward: once the jar was full we'd have a special family outing.

Last week the jar was full.

(Photo courtsey of chicagotribune.com)
So Saturday we went to see "Disney on Ice."
And herein lies the end of our fairytale.

Let me just begin by saying that I did not properly prepare myself or my children for this event. I take full responsibility. As the mommy, I should have known better. As soon as we walked into the arena the kids were requesting treats every five seconds. We took a not so quick bathroom break before we found our seats, during which time I had a standoff with Liam in the bathroom stall. He didn't want to "try" to pee, and I said we weren't leaving until he did (note to self, family outings are best accomplished after proper napage). My death glare to Ben upon exiting the bathroom explained, without words, what took so long. He didn't even have to ask. So, alas, we made the trek around the entire arena, passing every souvenir and treat stand along the way with a chorus of "I want" ringing in our ears. We found our seats and Ben went in search of a treat for each of the kids. Someone requested icees (I'm not sure who), and Ben set off on the quest. Just before Ben returned from "slaying" the treat dragon for us, I overheard a concession guy sell an icee to the kid in front of us for twelve bucks. Yep, I said twelve. My chin hit the floor too! Immediately I was praying that Ben would return with cotton candy to share, but being the king that he is, returned with four icees and a bucket of popcorn. Grand total: $72. I almost cried, but instead held icee cups and the popcorn bucket as if they were pure gold. We didn't want to spill even one kernel or ice chip at that price! So the show began. Although none of us saw much of the first half because we were all occupied with the dumb icees, dropping straws behind the seats in front of us, getting covered in ice chips, and helping the kids not to spill their treats. Finally the icees and popcorn were gone and we could enjoy the show in peace . . . WRONG! Everyone had to pee (and Liam now wanted cotton candy). I think Ben took Eli to the bathroom three times, and he legitimately peed during each visit . . . because you know what happens when you eat a giant sized icee in a short amount of time . . . it goes right through you! During intermission I took the girls and Liam for another bathroom run. At home, Liam likes to completely disrobe in order to urinate; however, this practice completely grosses me out in public bathrooms so I've been teaching him to just drop his drawers and stand . . . but sometimes he isn't quite tall enough to reach the toilet, as was the case in this instance, so I lifted him up to the toilet sort of propping his tush against my knee. First mistake. He relaxed, and the floodgates opened . . . but from both ends of the dam!!!! (Warning: you may want to stop reading here!) I had poop all down the leg of my jeans. I was angry, frustrated, and felt bad for Liam, who was visibly upset. He realized what was happening while "doing his business," but I couldn't put him down or turn him around to sit midstream, or the damage could have been much worse. So I cleaned up my leg, best as I could, and went to pull up his pants. I noticed he had a little smudge of poop on his undies, and was going to have him just go "commando style" but I then noticed that his pants had a much larger "smudge" (they were covered). At this point I'm screaming for the girls to go get Ben (I wasn't even sure they knew the way back to our seats) while I'm trying to undress Liam, which I should have done in the FIRST place!!! Oh and I forgot to mention that we happened to be in a bathroom stall that wouldn't lock, so this entire episode transpired as the stupid stall door kept swinging open, hitting us over and over again! ARGH! I just threw away Liam's socks and put on his now comparably clean underwear and headed out to wash up. Intermission was now over and we were alone in the bathroom. Ben came and I sent all the wet clothes with him while I cleaned us up. While we were washing, an arena employee said "Mam, do you have an extra set of pants for him?" In my wicked witch voice, daring her to go further, I said "No I don't." I really think she was going to tell me we had to leave if he didn't have pants on, but was too fearful to proceed. Good thing too! So finally we made it back to catch the last act of the show: Tinkerbell. Liam sat on my lap happy as a clam, not even caring that he was half naked in tennis shoes. The other kids watched rather mesmerized as well, now that they weren't distracted by the treats. It was over. I was on the verge of tears, Ben visibly holding back laughter, but we drove home. Happily. Ever. After. On the car ride home the kids were pretty pleased and excited about the experience. Apparently they didn't see the same show I did! I think the next time they get the jar filled, we'll go bowling for a few bucks, close to home, with a change of clothes for all.

Blasted twelve dollar icee cups! They came with a two year warranty if you can believe it! You can bet I'll be sending them back if they get so much as a scratch on them!

16 comments:

Kristie said...

This is one if my favorite stories I've heard lately. I can totally see all of this happening to me. Hahaha. You are such a trouper and your kids will forever remember when they went as a family to Disney on Ice. Just awesome!

Melinda (farleysmiles) said...

Oh Danelle, I'm so sorry! I can just imagine!

John and Stef said...

I was laughing and crying along with your story!
We've all been there, haven't we???!! You're kids will always remember that their awesome parents took them to see Disney on Ice and bought cool treats!

Sare said...

It's such a good thing you wrote this all down. I know it wasn't so funny in the experience, and I was trying really hard not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. You are amazing. I had Asher barf (when he was 2)all over me in a department store (and a grocery store), but your story tops everything.

The Trumpsters said...

I am crying and laughing! Sydney keeps asking "what?" "what?". I love you Danelle!

Corinne P. said...

Ok, I've been laughing the whole time I've been reading this because we so know what you mean!!(although that poop story really does beat all!). It's a good thing that the cups came with the warranty - although- that's pretty funny that they did! Matt has this technique for holding a kid up that is too short to pee, he swings them forward and then catches their feet in his knees, I don't know why I didn't think of that... the things we do are pretty funny, just sometimes not when we have to do them!

Fobert Family said...

Danelle! That story really takes the cake. I think I would've just given up, cried, and gone home. You are amazing. Thanks for the good idea about the fuzzy obeying jar! We need that one too. I think I say "How many times have I asked you to...?" like 109 times a day. Also, the quote by Elizabeth Stone about the heart walking around outside my body, I read that once right after Kalea was born, and it's been my favorite ever since. Isn't it so true.
Love ya! Happy Birthday to Liam!

Matt said...

"He relaxed, and the floodgates opened . . . but from both ends of the dam!!!!" So vivid and hilarious! I think I'm going to wait on potty-training my son now.

Katie said...

Danelle, I'm sorry things went so crazy with the show...all I can say is the rest of us Mom's out there so understand! I think we've all been in crazy/frustrating situations with our kids where we just want to cry...although anything to do with poop always makes it worse! I'm glad you went to see the rest of the show even with Liam half naked. I must say that even though the icees were crazy-priced...the cups are really cute!

Familia Lopez Padilla said...

You are the best mommy ever!

Familia Lopez Padilla said...

You are the best mommy ever!

Amanda said...

I don't even know what to say! But that was one of the best stories I've heard in a long time!

Riquino Family said...

Oh, you have me laughing and crying. And to think I was just about to get online and order tickets for the show here next weekend. Maybe I'll think again!....

The kids will love this story later on. oh, and I still have my Icee cup from when my parents took us to the circus almost 25 years ago! It is one of my kids favorite cups to use! So, put the cup in with their memory boxes and they can cherish their $12 cups forever!

By the way, do you know how to hand back in the merchandise if it gets broken? We have SEVERAL toys that we have bought at these events that have broken in the last year!

Uncle Dave & Aunt Anne said...

So funny, we are in stitches!!!

Beth's Blue Blog said...

you are so hilariously funny!! i get a kick out of poop stories, i don't know what it is. and i completely understand the "wicked witch" voice to the lady- why doesnt' she take a picture, it would last longer! you are awesome, and you just made me feel better about my night with my kids! :)

Grace's Mommy said...

OMG!! This has me literally rolling- I cannot even begin to imagine, which of course, is all I can do! I can so feel your pain- poor Liam!! Poor mommy!! Glad you guys survived Disney on Ice, even if it was "sans pants". Love you guys!!